2005-08-21T14:30:00.000-07:00

Where should I start?

.:.

"I could feel it go down.. it left the sweetest taste in my mouth.. the silver lining in the clouds, oh when I~.. oh when I~.. I wonder what it's all about..I wonder what it's all about ~
everything I know is wrong..everything I do it just comes undone.. and everything is torn apart..oh and it's the hardest part, that's hardest part, yeah that's the hardest part.. "

~ Coldplay "The Hardest Part "

.:.

I could start with the usual cliches but I'm feeling more tired than I expected. and more than not, I feel unexpectedly sad. This isn't even really goodbye, and yet somehow it feels like that.
It's late at night, and real early in the morning. As usual I'm writing my thoughts at an ungodly hour, and despite my attempts, it all seems futile and the lump in my throat doesn't seem to go away.
I could say.. a lot has happened. My other blog/site is down. I dunno when it'll be up again.
Part of me don't know if I can ever write again.
Part of me don't know if I should ever write again.

This is sounding a lot more fatal than it really is. Try thinking of me writing all this with a wry smile.

Blogging has done quite a lot for me. It made me express myself.
Oh, it was a real good outlet, it was my stress reliever, my typepad to "cry" on, I could write like nobody's business because I was invisible. Here, I was always just.. me.
Blogging, made me think. Writing always makes anyone think.
Maybe that is a good thing. Sometimes anyway.
Right now?
I think I'll go with proper punctuation, formalities, regrets and take a long and quiet vacation far away from the harsher light of reality this side of blogging.

Over the course of time, I grew more and more paranoid. I'm not sure I can handle "friends" reading all that I write. Although, it should have served more good than not, seeing people whom you used to call friends for how they really are.. isn't all that easy to take.
I can probably laugh now, at my childish wounded pride. That I still sound bitter? I must be still feeling the sting I guess. For what it's worth, I realise how much I treasure my real friends.
Cliches and more cliches. I apologise if everything I say sounds a tad uncool.

This feels like springcleaning. And in many ways, more than one, it is.
Springcleaning of the heart is always the hardest heh. (Nothing can stop me being corny today huh?)
I'll take a deep breath now. And say the many things that are passing through my head right now, because if I don't say them now, I don't know if they would ever pass my lips. (and god knows when I'll ever blog again)
Love. I probably don't talk much about it. To people I know (irl ha). But I did love someone before. At least that's how I felt at that time. Til this day, I still feel the same way. I still love him very much. I feel very strongly and if this is love, then that is what I feel, and even if told that I should move on, I can't.
I just..can't.
I'm fixated on the one thing I can't ever have. Time has passed enough for it not to hurt like a striking lightning, and I feel sad a lot less when I think about him now. 5 years back and I would have thought nothing, not even time could diminish the pain.
Maybe this is what they call numbing pain. ha. You just can't help getting used to it.
I just feel sorry I can't seem to talk about him much.
There are a lot of things in life.. I just can't do.

However, a few years ago, I liked someone else. I never thought I could feel anything for anyone else but I did. This person just kinda.. touched me. Unexpectedly and without meaning to, something inside of me changed, and I felt something.
This time, it feels completely different.
I don't know if this could be called love..and unfortunately, almost like a comedic tragedy, nothing is ever gonna happen between us either. For one thing, this person likes someone else. And.. even if it was possible, even if there was even the slightest chance, I wouldn't take it. We just weren't made for each other.
This is one of those things you know won't ever work out but you're happy just looking from afar anyway. (Or at least that's how you like to kid yourself)

This probably sounds like I'm being lazy. Relationships take work. I know.
But I'm lazy, unmotivated, jaded, cynical, and way too tired.
And the other reason is that, reality is seriously a far cry from fictional drama.

Work. Do I need to reiterate everything I've said so far? For anyone who's ever read anything I wrote, I maintain the same stand tyvm. And so life is goes pretty much the same workwise. yaddayadda~

Everything I wrote, and have since deleted off here.. just like the people I don't need around me anymore, I can finally tie up loose ends around here. It's been making me paranoid, that all of my past and my innermost thoughts are just floating about all over.
I'm minimising my presence one could say.
And this is probably the last post on here.

Erasing my past. This is one of those things I have to do. If I'm all teary eyed and sniffling over here, it serves me right I guess. This feels exactly like throwing away my first diary.
But when you get to a point where you think you probably won't look back again, won't ever come back and won't ever regret, it's about time to sell this old house, lock away the memories and throw the keys far far away...

Anything I try to say now is gonna come out a faint ghost of what I'm feeling and thinking.
It's really a long story..
Maybe one day when I could write again, and you would see me over on the other site.
But until then, all the archives are deleted. Over here..and there too.

The hardest part is always letting go.

.:.

''Ad Astra Per Alia Porci'' (To the stars on wings of pigs...)
~John Steinbeck

.:stop breathing...3...2...1....0.™:.